Dear Depression, I feel you. Throughout the past month, you’ve been creeping in again slowly but surely. Your filthy grip is attempting to hold me down. You’re like the one fly that I can’t seem to kill. There are days when I think you’ve flown away and other days I can’t keep you away from me. Throughout the years you’ve hit me in waves. There was a time when I didn’t think I’d see my 17th birthday, but I did. I went on to see my 18th and 19th birthday. Now, I’ll be damned if I don’t see my 20th, 21st, and 22nd birthdays and all of my birthdays after that. You cause me to sleep all day and night or don’t allow me to sleep at all. Simple things like going to eat or showering become difficult. I’ve even started to leave my door unlocked throughout the day so that in the event I fall asleep; my friend can come wake me up to get food. Missing Bible study and support group has become a habit instead of a rare occurrence. I go to class looking like a zombie and count the minutes until it is over. When asked if I’m still swimming, I laugh. I haven’t been in the pool in over three weeks. If I’m having a difficult time just trying to eat and shower, what makes you think I can swim laps for an hour every day? My clothes hamper is overflowing with dirty laundry. Each day I look into my closet and see the dirty heap of colors before trying to convince myself I’ll take care of it today. Dirty dishes sit staring at me waiting to be washed, but one look and I go back to bed. Remember my speech three weeks ago? I'm sure you do depression; you filled me that day and had me in tears. It's a miracle that I didn't break down in front of the class. Oh, and let me remind you about the church bonfire on Halloween weekend. We all danced and sang, and I was having a wonderful time, but for a few brief minutes, you hit me. The song changed, and that's when it happened. Quietly, I got up and went to the restroom for a few minutes while tears streamed down my face. Now, my body is full of excitement for upcoming events, but you keep telling me to cancel. You say that I'll just get hurt. Things will never work, so why try? You're the dark storm cloud that appears in the middle of a young child's birthday party. In this case, I'm the child, and it's my birthday you're trying to ruin. Some tell me to turn to my faith, and I'll be okay. Believe me; I am, but unless they’ve experienced this for themselves they simply do not understand. Others refuse to believe I live with you. Surely you can't suffer from depression if you smile at others and always make others laugh? Maybe they are right. Maybe I don't need to go to therapy. Maybe I don't need to be medicated. Maybe I'd be fine without all of it; maybe I'm just crazy. But I'm not willing to risk the maybes. So depression, this isn't a love letter to you. It's me wanting to break up with you. All I ask is that you release your grip on me. Let me live apart from you. Let me thrive. You've been a part of my life for so long now, and I think it is about time we go our separate ways. I won't give you the stereotypical, "it's not you it's me" line because it is you. I'm not the problem here, you are. I don't love you, in fact, who could? You make life a living hell for all of those that suffer from your grip. Even the so-called "lucky ones" who are considered high functioning don't love you. So move along, you're not welcome here. Sincerely, Someone Who Has Never Loved You "Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible." If you or someone you know may be suffering from depression or any other form of mental illness please seek help. There is hope. I am not providing any sort of professional expertise here, but I have included important phone numbers below.
In the case of immediate danger dial 911. US Suicide Hotline 1-800-784-2433 Crisis Helpline (Any form of crisis) 800-233-4357
4 Comments
Hey Bri! What you wrote here really resonated with me. Thank you for being brave, writing this and then posting it on the internet for everyone to see. I love reading real experiences from real people. The internet is so full of pretenders and this is refreshing. I struggle with depression too and I think the best way to beat it is to talk about it out loud and share it with the world. Thanks again. Love, Riley
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Bri
11/17/2016 02:19:56 am
Hello Riley, I am so glad to hear you enjoyed this post! I also believe that the best way to beat depression is to talk about it. I believe that if sharing my story touches just one person, then I will have made a difference. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I hope you will continue to follow along and find future posts to also be helpful and/or inspiring. Much love, Bri :)
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María Concepción Pomar Rosselló
11/24/2016 04:49:02 am
Lovely... this made me cry. You are a brave and beautiful human being. I agree so much with what Riley wrote, internet is full of pretenders. They sell you the idea that pretending this "positive vibe" attitude is necessary even to get a job, to survive! It's not true, only hard and honest work will lead you to a true position in life, only the Lord is 100% reliable in the matter of survival. I too have these moments, moments in which I even don't feel deserving to go to church, or relate to healthy Christian people, moments in which prayer truly helped once but now one is praying, praying and still feels the clutch of crippling fear, the anxiety. In these moments I have learned to rely on Faith, only Faith, amongst the purest darkness, blindness. And here I am still with the heart painfully awake, my rosary in my hand, and my sacrifice to the Lord growing deeper and stronger. Many many blessings.
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Bri
11/24/2016 02:37:12 pm
Thank you Maria.
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AuthorHello everyone, I'm Bri! Here you can find me writing about life in order to help provide you with encouragement and hope. Want to find out more about me? Go visit my "About Me" page! Happy reading! Archives
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